Club Can't Even Handle Me Right Now

Welcome to Club Oxide, a dance and karaoke club that claims to be proactive in its battle against underage drinking. In reality, this particular club is known to serve minors and sponsor several Magic Mike-type of shows.

Liz Cole, Lilly Poulton, Sabine Bouchard, and Ava Seffner are college girls who attend a special two-week long program in an unspecified location in the United States. Lilly isn't one for drinking, but she loves dancing and partying regardless. Sabine studied abroad in the US at Ava's school: Wake Forest University. She volunteered at a psychiatric hospital, and it took a toll on her. Sabine's relationship with her boyfriend and childhood best friend, Julien, was tense when she returned. Sabine wasn't going to attend the program in the US this year, but she felt it might take her mind off things.

Upon entering, Sabine showed her passport as her form of ID. "I feel like a TSA agent!" The bouncer exclaimed. Sabine rolled her eyes.

Sabine might not have been amused, but Lilly couldn't stop laughing about it. "That was a good one!" She told Sabine. 

"Not really," Sabine grumbled.

"Anyway, I have somebody I'd like for you to meet. This is my best friend, Aurélie Faubert! I thought she'd like to keep me company in the US for two weeks, considering Ava didn't do a great job of keeping me company for a whole semester abroad," Sabine said.

"Hey, Aurélie!" Ava, Lilly, and Liz exclaimed. 

"Hello," Aurélie said shyly.

"Yeah, get that stick out of your ass, girl. Um, Sabine, it's time for the annual Human Friendtipede photo!!!" Lilly exclaimed, not truly acknowledging Aurélie's presence.

"Human Friendtipede? Qu'est-ce que c'est?" Aurélie asked, very confused.

"Well, it's like the movie, Human Centipede, where people are attached face to ass. Only, this is more special because it's with friends!" Lilly explained.

"I won't be part of the Friendtipede, but I'll take the picture," Sabine told Lilly.

"You're fun," Lilly rolled her eyes.

"I don't feel like it," Sabine sighed.

"Say, 'this is really weird!'" Sabine said as she took the photo.

"Snap the fuck out of your depression, Sabine. You're not being any fun," Lilly complained.

"I can't just pretend to be happy, Lilly! A lot happened to me in 6 months. Also, be nice to Aurélie. She's my best friend, and you're being a jerk!" Sabine called Lilly out.

Lilly turned to Aurélie. "Ok, Miss Fancy Pants Foreigner, I'm going to show you how we do it in the United States." Aurélie nodded, scared of what was to come.

"Sabine, as your best stupid American friend, let's compete against Elisa and Paida in the dance-off for old time's sake!" Lilly exclaimed.

"Hold my glasses," Sabine said to Liz.

"IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE, SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!" Lilly sang as she danced.

"Kick it, and kick it, and kick it!" Lilly shouted.

"Yeah, Sabine, save a horse, ride a cowboy!" Lilly screeched. 

"It's time for our finale..." Lilly exclaimed, totally oblivious to the fact Sabine had wiped out.

"...IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING LIFT FROM DIRTY DANCING!" Lilly picked Sabine up.

Sabine and Lilly were announced the winners.

"Hey! Long time, no see! How was your semester abroad?" Elisa asked.

"It was okay," Sabine sighed.

"Hang in there," Paida added. "Adjusting to life before can be hard."

Meanwhile, Liz got Lilly's attention. "Lilly, do you see that guy over there? He wants to buy you a drink!"

"But I already have a drink!" Lilly said, shaking her cup of water. "Do you think he'll buy me mozzarella sticks?"

Sabine was chatting with Aurélie when all of the sudden...

"HEY, SABS! OH MY GOD, I NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY YEAR ABROAD IN PARIS! IT WAS INCREDIBLE! OH MY GOD!" Chrissa Maxwell interrupted.

Sabine pushed Chrissa away from a hug. "Chrissa, don't call me 'Sabs'. We can talk about your Parisienne fantasy later, ok? I'm dealing with a lot!" Sabine critiqued Chrissa.

Mia St. Clair, New York University's resident party girl, drunkingly tripped over the stage and spilled her drink.

"Putain de merde! All over my new shoes!" Sabine's twin sister, Sandrine screamed.

Sandrine kicked Mia and continued to chastise her in French.

"Elle m'emmerde trop!" Sandrine whined to her best friend, Coralie Seigneurin.

"Hey, bitch! Want some coke?" Mia staggered over to Lilly.

"Eh, no thanks. I'm more of a Sprite gal myself," Lilly responded.

"Lilly, you are such a dumbass," Ava rolled her eyes.

"The fuck?" Lilly responded.

"She wasn't talking about the drink. She was fucking talking about cocaine!" Ava explained.

"That bitch tried to deal me some coke?" Lilly asked to confirm.

"Yes. You're literally the dumbest bitch alive sometimes," Ava said.

"MIA TRIED TO GIVE ME DRUGS! HOLY FUCK!" Lilly shouted.

"CALM DOWN!" Liz and Sabine said in unison.

"JE SUIS CALME!" Lilly replied in her terrible, heavily American accented French.

Meanwhile, Mia found twin heiresses Alyson and Ashley Edwards in the bathroom with their cousin Alyssa.

"Guys, I bought some coke from a busboy. He, like, wanted to make out with me in exchange for coke, but like, it went a little, like, further. Like," Mia giggled.

"Ew, you smell like cheap beer and weed," Alyson scoffed.

"I have some, like, more weed if you want," Mia giggled again.

"Does it look like I smoke weed, you idiot? I am 5 foot 8 and 110 pounds. Does it look like I smoke weed and get the munchies to you? You are so fucking pathetic!" Alyson, who was highly offended, shouted.

"Just give me the coke!" Ashley demanded.

Alyssa prepared the lines of coke for her cousins.

The girls took turns snorting cocaine through a straw.

"Ew, what the fuck do you want?" Alyson snorted as she saw Ma Zizhao (also known as Ivy to Americans) enter the bathroom. Zizhao was from China, and her father oversaw all of the Edwards hotels in East Asia. Not only was Zizhao the biggest Alyson Edwards fangirl, she thought she was also an Edwards heiress.

"Hello, Princess Alyson! You haven't joined the party!" Zizhao waved.

"Ivy, she's like, doing cocaine so she can, like, better deal with you!" Mia laughed.

"I'll do cocaine, too! I don't have to be a good girl all the time," Zizhao smiled.

"The last line is, like, for me, like, Ivy!"

"Move! Royalty plus Ivy who is triffling as shit coming through!" Mia shrieked as she lead the heiresses and Zizhao through the crowd. 

Mia went up to the bar. "I want, like, a Trashcan for myself and, like, an Adios Motherfucker for, like, Alyson."

"Cheers, bitches!" Mia squealed.

"Oh my god, Alyson, like, do you see, like, Ivy following, like, you like a puppy dog? She probably, like, has a massive crush on you, like, oh my god!" Mia gossiped.

Mia then dropped her drink. This time, it was on Alyson, which was way worse than Sandrine.

"Mia, you are the fucking dumbest, most stupid, drunkest, pathetic bitch I have ever seen! Get the fuck away from me and my girls. You're fired. I'll find a new assistant for the remainder of the time we are at this dumpster fire of a program! GET OUT OF MY FACE!" Alyson huffed.

"Ivy is our new assistant for the rest of the program. Mia is gone," Alyson stated.

"Oh, I will do my best and be the best assistant in the world, Princess Alyson," Zizhao exclaimed.

"Desperate is NOT cute on you, Ivy," Ashley rolled her eyes.

Meanwhile, Lilly was thinking of a way to cheer up Sabine. "I know what Sabine needs! A stripper!"

"Male or female, though?" Liz asked. 

"For Sabine? I'm thinking male," Lilly replied, slightly confused.

"Hey, Sabine, we're renting you a stripper. We are going to chip in 50 bucks per person so we can rent one from this place called Savage Men," Lilly explained.

"LILLY! I don't want a stripper!" Sabine shouted angrily. "I want Julien!"

"Look at my phone. You can pick. There's The Punisher, The Italian Stallion, Johnny, Anthony, oooooooh, and Persius...you know, I think we should go with Persius," Lilly rambled. "Persius is a fucking cool name."

Sabine muttered something in French to Aurélie. Aurélie nodded in agreement.

"IT'S NOT POLITE TO SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T SPEAK THAT LANGUAGE WELL! RUDE!" Lilly shouted.

"Lilly, je m'en fous!" Sabine replied and walked away with Aurélie.

"Ladies, we got a major dilemma," Lilly sighed. "A stripper from Savage Men is going to cost way more than $50 per person."

"Just ask your parents to Venmo you some money," Liz suggested.

"Girl, if I'm going to ask my parents to Venmo me money, I'm going to spend that money wisely and buy some boujee ass food. I'm not wasting my parents' money on a stripper!" Lilly shouted.

"Lower your standards," Ava suggested. "It doesn't need to be a high-end male dancer."

"Fam, I got it," Lilly exclaimed.

"We're waiting," Ava stated.

"We're each going to put $50 in to get a stripper from Craigslist. I found a great one. Look, this ad seems the least shady," Lilly urged her friends.

"CRAIGSLIST, LILLY? CRAIGSLIST?" Sabine raised her voice in utter disbelief.

"Um, you're not even from here. You're not supposed to know what Craigslist is," Lilly insulted Sabine.

"Lilly, this is rich coming from you," Sabine laughed sarcastically. "You're the girl who watches documentaries on serial killers and lives for true crime TV. You're also the girl who FaceTimed me at 3 in the morning to let me know you're scared to go to sleep because you're worried about a Ted Bundy situation happening to your sorority house."

"Um, it might have been 3 AM in Wisconsin, but it sure as hell was 10 AM in France. It's also your fault for answering my FaceTime call, you idiot. Don't blame this one on me. You didn't have to pick up the phone. I know you ignore me, considering you FUCKING LEAVE ME ON READ more than you actually respond!" Lilly shouted at Sabine.

"I reply to your texts all the time unless I'm busy! Stop accusing me of things I don't do!" Sabine retorted.

"Hm. Well, Imma pull out my phone and count how many times you have most recently left me on read, Miss Bouchard. Your word is fake news. The Poulton Report will prove you wrong, young lady," Lilly replied.

Mia loudly and drunkingly interrupted. "DID SOMEBODY SAY STRIPPER?!?!?!" It is also worth noting that Mia was drunker in this instance than she was at her 21st birthday party.

"Je suis désolée," Sabine turned to Aurélie. "Nous allons quitter les Etats-Unis et...."

Mia interrupted once again. "Oh, hi, Sabine! Did you and Lilly just, like, break up? Forget her. She's, like, soooooooooo so-so so!"

"Mia, I have a boyfriend. Or at least I think I do. I think he's my boyfriend. I don't know what we are now," Sabine gave Mia some perspective.

Lilly added, "Friends fight. Get over it!"

"Lilly, you're like, so tense! I think you, like, need a drink, like, now!" Mia giggled and handed her a cup that was full of straight vodka...no chaser.

"Um, no thanks. Unlike you, I can have fun without being shitfaced. People who feel the need to get smashed are only trying to make up for their dull personalities," Lilly rolled her eyes.

Lilly turned away from Mia and put a crown on Sabine. "Cheer up. The stripper is almost here."

Mia came over and said, "I think Sabine needs, like, a drink! Boys can be, like, so stupid, like, seriously." Sabine followed Mia to the bar where they ordered shots and said "cheers".

"This is the only way I can survive Lilly's stripper," Sabine informed Mia.

The stripper arrived, and Sabine was not amused. Lilly was certainly the most wild audience member, and she had her dollar bills ready.

"IS IT WORTH IT? LET ME WORK IT! I PUT MY THANG DOWN, FLIP IT, AND REVERSE IT!" Lilly sang along to the music as she threw money at the stripper.

"NON! MAKE IT STOP!" Sabine shouted. "I DO NOT CONSENT!" With that, Sabine ran off the stage and into the bathroom to cry.

"Oh, it's my TURN!" Lilly exclaimed as she hopped on the stage...

...and jumped on the stripper.

"Oh. My. God. I just concussed a stripper," Lilly mumbled under her breath.

Mia grabbed Lilly and said, "You, like, hurt a stripper!!!!"

Wide-eyed and nervous, Lilly said, "Yeah, you think I don't know that?!"

Sabine returned from the bathroom. As she approached the crime scene, her jaw dropped. "Ah, putain!"

"It looks worse than it is," Lilly nodded. "Okay, I lied. It looks as bad as it is. I FUCKING GAVE A STRIPPER A CONCUSSION."

Ava added, "Yeah, all five feet of you did that."

"Is he breathing?" Sabine asked.

"I don't know....?" Lilly's voice trailed.

Liz jumped in. "Do you want me to poke him with a stick or something?"

"The fuck, Liz?" Lilly exclaimed. "I'll tell you one thing. I sure as fuck am not giving him mouth-to-mouth."

Sabine stuck a finger under his nostril. "Stuff is coming out."

"Stuff? Can you be more specific, Sabine? By 'stuff', do you mean boogers, snot, blood, brains, or air?" Lilly rolled her eyes.

"Okay, smartass," Ava whispered to Lilly

Sabine became defensive. "Air! Sorry! English isn't my first language!"

Lilly's eyes widened. "At the risk of being a bitch, I'm going to tell you this. I am not a language person, but I'm pretty sure 'air' is the same word in both English and French. You just sound ignorant, just so you know."

Sabine grew angrier. "You are going to call me 'ignorant'? You? Really?"

Ava interrupted."HEY!!! We aren't going to fight over this. He's breathing. Okay? Good enough? I see his chest rising up and down, and I feel air coming out his nose. He's alive!"

"Call an ambulance," Aurélie, who hasn't really spoken English outside of a classroom setting, spoke up. It took a few seconds to formulate that phrase, and she hoped it came out correctly.

"Yeah, good idea. Before I do that, does anybody know if strippers have health insurance? I really don't want to see him get a big ass bill for this," Lilly replied.

"The big ass bill that you'll be paying for injuring him?" Ava snorted.

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Lilly shouted. "I know that doesn't matter in sue-crazy people's minds, but it was a genuine accident.

"Let's hope for the best, Lilly," Liz sighed. "What's done is done."

THE END

***DISCLAIMER***

No strippers were harmed in the making of this photostory. For the inquiring mind, the story ends well. The stripper did not have a concussion, and he walked away from the scene with minor bruising. He asked for an extra $100 as "hush money", and of course, Lilly complied. Now, what happened when the girls got back to the dorm in which they were staying is another story....